My Heart, Part II

(Part I is here)

Since high school, it has been pretty easy for me to balance so many “things” on my plate. Simply put, external performance came easy to me. It was easy to get good grades, keep in touch, keep organized, plan events, be involved in several groups and still remain sane.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to hear things like, “How do you do it all?”. But for me, I was just doing what came natural for me. It just wasn’t “hard” for me.

But, I am sure pride in all of these activities took root at some point, sometimes closer to the surface, but more often it hid itself deeper inside. You get used to being known as someone who “does so many things”. And we all like to be known for something, whatever it is.

I don’t hear those things anymore.

More often I hear excuses for my lack of competency.

You have four kids now, what do you expect?
That’s what so many kids will do to you.
Of course you can’t do everything you used to now. You just had a baby.

People aren’t trying to be hurtful. In fact, there are many times I NEED an honest reminder from a friend that I have to accept my limitations. It is the struggles in my own heart that cause these statements to feel hurtful at times.

It is just hard to suddenly feel incompetent. It’s tough to feel like you are failing in so many areas. I mean, who would see anything admirable in an overwhelmed, frustrated, “losing her mind” mother of four?

And don’t the majority of us want to feel valuable and admired? And too often, admiration is based on the achievement of measurable success or the sense of contribution to the bigger picture.

I dealt with some of this when I left the workplace. I lost my “teacher” identity and lost the feeling that I was making a difference in society in a large definable scale. I became “just mom”. But I got through that quickly as I made some other at home mom friends and began to busy myself in mom’s groups, playdates, and bible studies.

But all I did was shift from performing at one job to performing at another. I was still rooting much of my worth in my abilities to perform. Instead of performing at my teaching job, I was “performing” at my mom job. I took on various leadership positions, organized events, and began keeping up with everyone.

Of course, I had no idea how deeply my identity was rooted in the wrong places until recently. God has been peeling back some layers of the layers of pride and self-reliance. I have to admit, it has been emotional and tough to realize just how far the rabbit hole goes.

(continued again in the next post)