My Heart, Part I

Some of my struggles this last year are difficult to put in to words. I have been working on this post for weeks, yet I still don't feel like it captures my struggles completely. But it is a start. And the longer I wait to publish this, the more distant the emotions often seem.

So bear with me, but here goes.

A definite cause of my struggles, though not the root problem, has been the struggle to adjust to four children. This has been a tough adjustment for me, though admittedly, the first year of each child’s life contained a difficult period of adjustment.

Life has been redefined. Some things will change for a short time period and others will have to change for good. I have to accept my new limitations and try to rediscover what I need to do, what I can do, and what I want to do. And I have been finding it tough when my desires conflict with what I can or need to do.

I used to organize activities for groups, remember important dates like birthdays, keep up with blogging or scrapbooking, find information out for friends, and balance a million other activities and involvements. In the midst of that I was always good about keeping up with folks, checking in with them, and meeting new people.

I just can’t anymore.

Chances are that someone reading this has been the victim of this new “me”. I have probably forgotten their birthday or couldn’t follow through on my desire to get together sometime, stopped reading/commenting on their blog, or mentioned that I would call and never did.

This new version of me has seriously caused a shock to my system. It has been quite an adjustment to realize how much I can’t do any longer. I just don’t have the time, energy, or even the desire to keep up in all the areas that I used to.

So I have let a lot of things go.

Turns out, letting them go was the “easy” part of the adjustment because I couldn’t keep up with them anyway.

I have started to realize that the deeper problem is how much of my identity is wrapped up in my “performance”. I look around and see other moms with four or even MORE children who can still keep up with so many things that I can’t find a moment for or the energy to follow through with.

I know I shouldn’t compare, but I do.

Even more disastrous to my psyche is the comparison of the “new me” to the “former me”. That comparison is much harder to reason away. It is also the comparison lots of other people unknowingly make when they make comments about how this fourth child has really thrown me off. They are comparing “new me” to my former self, which is exactly what I do.

And, yes, OF COURSE things will change with another child. OF COURSE, no one expects me to keep up with everything anymore. I know that in my head, but my heart has some issues with understanding that.

And that is where some of my heart struggles begin to rear their ugly head.

(continued in the next post)