Currently....

If there is an end of the rope, I have reached it. And I hesitate to blog when I am there, but honest emotions are easier to capture in the moment, rather than later when you have regained your sanity.

It's not that I want to remember this time.

Yet, I do. Because someone else will be here one day and I want to say, "Oh yeah, I recall how that felt. You aren't alone!" But I'll forget how bad it really was if I don't record it. And maybe someone who is right there with me will say, "Hey. Me too!" and we can hang on together!

So here at sit at my wits end, taking time to type it out.

I have hit the wall. It's the one I hit at some point during the first year of every baby's life. The wall that leaves me banging and banging to make progress but realizing that so much of my life is just circular.

Wash the laundry. Fold the laundry. Put away the laundry. Repeat.
Feed the baby. Change the baby. Sleep the baby. Repeat.
Vacuum the floor. Wipe the floor. Clear the table. Load the dishes. Empty the dishes. Repeat.

Get up. Get showered. Feed children. Play with children. Hold off impending disasters. Solve sibling conflict. Clean up messes. Feed children. Repeat.

It's not that it is all bad. I love being a mom. I love everyone of these little people in my house.

But it is hard at times when you are sleep deprived, stuck in the house with a napping infant, and trying to accomplish something. Anything.

And most of what you accomplish is immediately undone. And much of what you want to accomplish remains as ideas in your head because there is no time to do it.

It just happened this week that life quickly piled up on me and I found myself in tears throughout the day. I KNOW I'll be OK. Afterall, I have been here before, even since the birth of my little C. I know this season will pass, but I have yet to reach the light at the end of this particular tunnel.

So what did I do?

I prayed. I just asked God to take all of the things "bugging me" off my mind and help me focus on my children. We sat and played play-doh, set up Geo Trax, and enjoyed some good books. It didn't make my frustrations go away, but God helped me refocus this week and make it through.

I cried. Because sometimes you just need to.

I hit the mall. Because that has always helped me! My little C (five months) sleeps so well at home that we rarely go out. I am a get out and go kind of gal, so that has really added to my difficulties with this season of life. I decided on Tuesday morning to pack up all four kids, hit the mall for a snack, enjoy the seasonal decorations, and then go say hi to Santa while no one was there. We had a great time and it was clear that the older three children needed out as much as their mommy.

I emailed a few friends and let them know what was going on. They prayed for me and sent me all kinds of wonderful words of encouragement and wisdom. God truly used these ladies in my life to strengthen me!

I took a mental health day, as per my husband's gracious instructions. And that is where I sit right now finishing this blog post. It is Friday at 4:05 PM and I am finally done my list of "have to do's" and am sitting here with a cinnamon chip scone doing what I want to do.

Heavenly.

So I am going to type a few blog posts for this neglected blog, read some more in my bible, and enjoy this strawberry smoothie.

Then I'll go home to my tired and wonderful husband to relax for the evening. And I have no doubt there will be four little ones there that I am so eager to see!