At one point I was in the car with my husband and told him that for the first time ever I was having trouble resting in God's control. I desperately wanted a certain outcome in this situation. I wasn't sure I "trusted" God to provide that outcome. I knew deep inside that my faith in God would remain solid because I know that He is good in ALL things (Rom 8:28), but yet there was a fear there...what if it didn't go my way?
The thing that scares me was suddenly revealed: I am not in control.
I have learned this lesson before and I revisit it often in my life. I have accepted it as truth, yet if I am honest, deep down inside it terrifies me. My honesty during my brother's situation revealed my fear. It was the first time I desperately wanted something to turn out a certain way and yet I could not do anything to affect the decision.
Typically, I can hide my fear by taking control through activity. I can work harder toward a goal. I can try a different method to achieve an outcome. I can seek advice and make changes in certain areas. I can give advice and help guide someone. These are all good things, but not when they are an attempt to avoid resting in God's control.
This time, I could do nothing. All I had was prayer and trust in God. It was with my empty hands that my deepest fear was revealed.
I am not in control.
You see, in my life right now it is easy to feel that way at times. I control the schedule most days. I control the food that is served. I control bedtime. I discipline to control behavior. I use a low voice to control my frustration. It can be easy to begin to feel in control, even when I know that I am not.
I have a feeling that I am going to recognize this fear more and more as my children grow.
I am not in control of...
their hurt feelings
their speed when they drive
and of course....my biggest fear...their choice to serve Jesus.
Yes, I have influence in all of these areas, and certain responsibility as a parent. But in all reality, I am not in control of all of the final outcome.
I know the truth. I have recited Jeremiah 29:11 many times in my life. I believe it to be true. I know my purpose is planned and so is the purpose of all of my family. It doesn't mean that deep inside, there isn't fear.
Of course this thing that most scares me is exactly what gives me the most comfort.
God is in control! He has planned my purpose. He has ordained the days of my family. He IS planning to give me hope and a future and NOTHING can throw off His plan!
The more I know Him, the more I can let go of that fear. The truth of His word will drive out that fear and then I can rest. I can rest in His control, even when it is hard.
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. (II Thes 1:11)
*This post is for the October Write-Away Contest at Scribbit. For more entries, head on over there. (I posted past the deadline, so won't be judged...darn sleep deprivation!)